After an almost week-long break, I decided I should probably start writing again. Writing can be so therapeutic that today I felt the need to sit in front of my computer and try to vent.
It has been a week like no other. Last week started off the same as it usually does, Mondays are laundry days in my house so that’s how I occupied the majority of my day. I had plans to go to a bachelorette party in Savannah last weekend, so as I did my laundry I was starting to plan my outfits for the weekend.
I was having a lot of anxiety about the upcoming trip, and the closer the date got the worst it was getting. I was scheduled to arrive in Savannah super early on Thursday, where the rest of the girls wouldn’t be arriving until night time. My PIC (Partner-In-Crime) being the super thoughtful human being he is, suggested I book my first ever spa visit. He suggested I go get a massage to try to relax and maybe help ease my social anxiety considering I was so stressed about the trip.
I honestly have no recollection of anything other than doing some research on spas in Savannah, doing some laundry and then going to bed Monday night. I figured I would wake up super early Tuesday, I would clean the house and finish my research on spas and book my massage. I would then spend Wednesday running some errands, packing and doing my nails.
The next thing I remember is waking up around what I think was midnight to a horrible sound, it was the sound of the electric discharge when the power went out due to the storm. My PIC usually sleeps like the dead, and even he woke up, we checked our phones only to see the tornado warnings notifications that we were missing because we were asleep. We spent the rest of the night freaked out by everything we could hear as the storm tore through our area.
I’m not sure what time it was in the morning when we finally realized we were safe, but there was this eerie silence that ironically I can only describe as a deafening silence. We proceeded to text our families that if they heard that there had been a tornado in Nashville, not to worry, we were safe. We tried to get some sleep, really not knowing the extent of what had happened or how close we were to the tornado’s destruction path.
We were exhausted but somehow couldn’t fall asleep. My PIC works from home, so he walked to his office and tried to work. By this point, I started doing some research on what had actually happened the night before. Upon typing “Nashville Tornado” on my google search engine, and seeing the news of what had indeed occurred paralyzed me. I couldn’t believe my eyes.
It was around this time, that the family members we hadn’t reached out to started contacting us to make sure we were okay. All we knew at this point was that we had made it, our house had made it, but we had no electricity. We knew it was an inconvenience, a super small price to pay, we were definitely counting our blessings. We weren’t sure how long we would be without power, so I posted to social media that we were okay, but going on battery saving mode. More than anything I felt numb, and couldn’t find my words, nothing I could say felt right. All I could think about were all those people who didn’t make it, all those who made it but lost everything, but more than anything, I couldn’t stop thinking about those who made it, lost everything including a loved one.
By Wednesday, my anxiety had gone through the roof. I couldn’t sleep and was on the verge of a panic attack, but kept trying to hold it together because my PIC didn’t deserve to have something extra thrown on his plate to have to take care of. More importantly, I didn’t deserve to have a meltdown, I was okay, when so many others weren’t. I started having “survivor’s guilt”. I didn’t know that was a thing until the feelings started pouring in.
“Survivor guilt is a mental condition that occurs when a person believes they have done something wrong by surviving a traumatic event when others did not, often feeling self-guilt. The experience and manifestation of survivor’s guilt will depend on an individual’s psychological profile.”
My PIC talked me into not canceling my Savannah trip, we still had no power, the temperatures were starting to drop in Nashville, and it was easier to ask someone to take one person in rather than two. I took him up on it, I thought that maybe being away would take my mind off everything, I kept trying to convince myself that I would have a great time, and I would come back refreshed. Umm…really?
I’m still not sure I should have gone. I got there Thursday morning, and they were having crazy storms in Savannah. I kept getting notifications for potential flash floodings, and every time they came, fear would take over me and it would take a lot to try to convince myself that it was just a warning due to a lot of rain, and that a tornado coming my way was highly unlikely. The rain was gone by the time I woke up Friday morning, and as much as I tried to enjoy my time, and pretend I was okay, my heart was in Nashville the entire time.
I am going to wait to see how this week goes for me, but I’m not going to lie, I feel like I may need to find a therapist. I have always heard of the benefits of therapy, and I have never seen it with the negative connotation some people do. There’s no shame in asking for help. As of right now, I feel like I may need to find a professional to talk to. I felt so guilty the entire time I was in Savannah, that I wasn’t here instead to volunteer and help, even though I kept seeing that Nashville had rallied and some organizations were at capacity and couldn’t take any more volunteers on. I have never felt so proud and humbled to be part of a community. My PIC kept also telling me, that our community is going to need volunteers for a really long time, and that we can and will do it in the upcoming weeks.
I am sitting here typing, holding back tears, still feeling so guilty. We have our electricity back, but somehow life doesn’t feel like it’s back to normal. I don’t know how long it will take, or if deep down it ever will.
My Serendipity 
3 Replies to “Man plans, God laughs”